I am so bored,

been clubbing!

Twas gurrd!

Michelle xo

Nan...I am missing you lots..Just listening to your funeral song..I know I shouldn't but I cant help it.
Its so weird your gone..I need you here..Just one more time..And your never going to be there again..
My heads so messed up or something..I just feel really weird .. Not emmotional..but wanting to be..I dont know I just feel really weird and theres no reason to..I am just swining to one mood and finding it harder to pull out of one each time. Once again i do not get me at all.

I feel terrible.
My mums a wreck..I mean theres nothing I can do..I am uncomfortable with the situation, I feel terrible because I am fine? Why am I fine its my nan..and shes never coming back ever..I have tears in my eyes now..But like when something distracts me,, I forget.. her body will be at my house and I am scared..I mean I dont know I just cant accept it and I feel terrible because I am not like my mum..she says she feels like somebodys got a hover and sucked her insides out..And I feel completely normal.

Am I right to be this way? When her body is here..I am scared and I dont know why..I mean I have never seen a dead body..But its my nans body..And I am just so confused I mean shes hasn't been in the right frame of mind for years..but she always remembers who I am. And I liked that.

The comfort is that shes with my grandad now.. But I still cant accept whats going on..it feels surreal. I am so confused.

Sorry to go on about it. But I feel like a fake..I can still laugh and joke but why? I know people say she would want you to be that way but how do they no? If I died I'd be upset if somebody who I loved weren't mourning

And I want to be there for my mum but I cant..Grieving is something I feel you do alone..and I just get uncomfortable with it all. I feel like I am attention seeking here but I am really not. I cant sleep now because I feel so terrible.

Michelle
 xo